10 Simple Ways to Honor Your Loved One (and Yourself!) on Anniversary Days

We all have those days that are just harder than others. When we lose a loved one, certain dates, or times of the year, can bring your grief to the surface. For me, this happens 2 times a year. Sure, sometimes it comes out of nowhere – the feelings come rushing in unexpectedly. But, I always know that the anniversary of my dad’s death and the anniversary of his birthday will be hard days.

These days could be different for you, but typically everyone has those days that bring back all the memories. And that’s not a bad thing! Grief does not go away – it does not end after we go through the steps one time. Sometimes, and some days, you just need to allow yourself to feel it.

So, I have compiled a list of 10 simple ways to honor your loved one on these difficult days. This is also a form of honoring yourself and your feelings at the same time. Sometimes all it takes is one act, one conversation, or one good cry to get through those tough days. Each time could be different – one year, just doing one of these will be enough. The next year, you might want to do all 10 to really remember that person, their memory, and your memories:

1. Eat One of Their Favorite Meals

For some reason, this is one of my family’s most trusted forms of honoring my dad. We will plan to eat out or bring home a meal from one of his favorite restaurants. This could be anywhere from Logan’s Roadhouse to a chocolate shake. We then can eat together, share memories, or just be together knowing that they are in our minds and hearts that day.

Sometimes, I will simply get something to eat just by myself. It is a good time to reflect and just feel close to my dad. Something about food is just comforting, and it helps put my head in a place to think about my dad. I can think about him, and all the little memories we used to make going out to eat for each other’s birthdays. Or, I can think about those secret treats he used to take us to get on Fridays after picking us up from school.

So, if you can’t do anything else, or it feels too heavy to do anything else, just simply go get a meal that reminds you of your loved one.Take flowers to their grave or buy yourself flowers

2. Spend Time With People Who Loved Them Too

On these days, it might feel easier to be alone. Trust me, I understand that more than most people. But, sometimes, all it takes is to make it a point to see other people that loved them. This could be family, your friends, their friends – anyone, really. It will be a reminder, yes, but you will be able to share in those feelings of grief and heartache with someone who feels it too.

And, don’t be afraid to talk about that person. Chances are they want to talk about your loved one, too. They are probably feeling some sort of sadness on that day as well. If they aren’t, that’s okay, but they will be able to reminisce on old memories or listen to you with understanding. Just please, don’t be afraid to bring up the person that is gone. It is okay to talk about them.

3. Write Down How You Feel

Write down SOMEWHERE, anywhere, how you feel on that day. It could be on social media, a journal, or a note on your phone. Each year, I am surprised at the difference a year, or 6 months make. I feel differently about it with each passing year. I learn something new about grief, or about life in general.

This is why I think it is so important to write it down. First of all, you get to clear your mind instead of holding it tightly in there, in the dark. This helps so much in just creating space to reflect. Second, you are able to see how much you have grown. You start to see that you aren’t the same person you were the year before or the anniversary before. Writing things down will help you create something you can look back on for as long as want.

Maybe that day you have a memory that keeps popping into your head – write it down. You could feel hopeless and lifeless, and you don’t know what to do with those feelings – write it down and get it out of your head. You could start a new tradition with your family to keep the memory alive – write down what you did. It doesn’t matter what you write down, but I think it is so valuable to keep every memory. Even the hard memories will show you how much you loved that person and how lucky you are to have had that love that makes saying goodbye so hard.

4. Listen to Their Favorite Music

Music is a language unlike any other. For me, music was my dad’s greatest hobby and, other than my mom, his greatest love. Chances are your loved one has some sort of music that reminds you of them every time you hear it. This is such a simple, easy way to honor your loved one on an anniversary day, because you can just play it while you are driving somewhere. You don’t have to take any extra time out of your day to just give yourself a moment to think of them.

It might feel too hard to do anything else that will induce these feelings of heartache and grief. And, unfortunately, this might make you feel guilty for not doing anything special. Or, you will feel like you aren’t honoring their memory enough. So, just put in some headphones or plug your phone into the aux cord in your car, and play their favorite music.

We like to place guilt on ourselves for living our lives sometimes – when really, that person would want you to live your life. That is why this is a simple way to think about your loved one and honor that day, without putting yourself in a dark place or interrupting your everyday life.

5. Block Out Time to Just Feel

I am a big advocate for taking some much needed time to just cry. I don’t think it makes you weak or wastes time at all. When feelings this deep and this heavy build up, you have to start letting them out. Sometimes, it’s the only way to move forward. So, just take some time to lay in bed in cry – or, my personal favorite, go to your favorite crying spot and let it out.

It can be in the privacy of alone time, or it can be in the arms of someone you trust. But, don’t be ashamed to feel everything. It will hurt, yes. But it will be okay. And in those moments, remember how you felt and how you still got back up. Remember your loved one and reminisce on your memories. Scream into your pillow about how angry you are or how sad you are. Then, get back up and live another day – for your loved one.

6. Look at Pictures

This is another super simple action you can do on these anniversary days. Some memories will bring a smile to your face and other might make you cry. Look at pictures of them, look at pictures of you with them, but also look at pictures of your life since then. It’s okay to wish they were there for life’s sweetest moments. It’s okay to miss them.

But make sure you look at all they were able to do within their time here. Make sure you remember that time you all woke up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning in your matching pajamas. Make sure you remember the laughs, the dance parties, and the joy they brought to your life. Take that much needed time to think of them and remember. It is so important.

7. Write a Letter to Your Loved One

I already mentioned writing down how you feel, but this one is different. This one is about writing a letter to them. It is about telling them what you wish you could tell them in the present. It is about telling them what you wish you had said while they were still here. It is about telling them what will happen in the future that you are excited about and wish they could witness with you.

I think this is a super hard thing to do. A lot of times, we talk about what we wish we could say to them now. But when you get out a pen, sometimes starting takes the longest time. Once your words start flowing, it will be easier. I could write to my dad about what I have accomplished since he died – graduating college, starting a job, traveling around the world, meeting new people, etc. I would write to him about how I am nervous to never have him get to walk me down the aisle, or about how I wish he were here to debate about pointless things with me.

Yes, I could write to him for a long time. But, some days I just want to write him a letter that says I miss him, I love him, and I wish he were still here. It doesn’t have to be a long letter. This is to get these words and these thoughts and these feelings out of your head. It is so you don’t have to wonder about missed words and for just a moment, you can have a conversation with them. Give yourself that chance to say everything you want to say.

8. Visit Their Grave

I know, I know. This is an obvious one. Also, I know not everyone lives close to their loved one’s grave. But, if you are able, make a visit. I know for me, this makes me feel like I am at least near him for at least a moment. For my sister, she doesn’t like going to his grave. So, it is definitely just a suggestion to try. Just taking a short time to visit their grave can make you feel connected to that person again.

You can take flowers to their grave to spruce it up a little too. Graves can definitely feel a little lifeless and sad sometimes, so bringing flowers can almost feel like a signal that they are still alive in your heart. So cheesy, I know, but it definitely does feel that way.

On the anniversary of my dad’s death this year, it had been 5 years. My mom, my sister, and I all went together and got to place beautiful white flowers at his grave. After that, we went and got Dairy Queen (one of his favorites) to go and eat together. It isn’t necessarily a fun thing to do, but it makes you feel like you aren’t so alone in the grief.

9. Do Something They Loved to Do

There’s no better thing for me than staying active on those tough days. I usually do a combination of all of these things on those tough days. I know if I linger too long on just feeling or reminiscing on pictures or wondering “what if,” I end up in a bad place. That’s why I think getting up and doing something that person loved to do is important. Or, any of the things where you are up and doing something.

My dad wasn’t a very active person, so this one doesn’t apply much to us. He loved to spend time in his office going through his music, or even just writing. So, I guess it makes sense why I am writing this on the anniversary of his birthday. He loved to write too. And he was good at it. He really had a way with words, and I love looking back and reading what he was able to convey through his writing.

For some people though, this might be going to golf, going to the movies, going out for drinks, grilling out, whatever it may be. This is a great way to remember that person while making sure you take care of yourself and your mental health. You are remembering the happy times – the times when your loved one was happy. This brings me to my last and final way to honor your loved one and yourself.

10. Live – Without Feeling Guilty About Living

It is so easy to feel guilty about not feeling sad. Some days, you just feel like you should be sad. Even on those anniversary days, sometimes you just won’t feel grief. Those days won’t actually feel hard. That’s okay, too. If you remember anything from this, it is okay to not feel sad on these days – and to not feel the need to go out of your way to do anything different.

It is enough, and it is celebrated, that you are living and that you are happy and good. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that this day has to be hard or different. While all of these suggestions can be helpful, remember that they are just suggestions. There is no guidebook to this, nothing telling you what you should be feeling or what is right to feel. You will just feel on your own time.

So, live your life. Don’t force emotions, don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself for your grieving process. Every single person is different. Living your life is the best way to honor your loved one, because you are a living, breathing piece of them. You are a tiny bit of their personality, a tiny bit of their love – a tiny bit of their memory. So, live your life and carry them with you each and every day.

Further Reading:

To read more about grief, check out How to Help a Friend or a Loved One Experiencing Grief.

Or, for a more thought-provoking read about grief, check out Stop Telling People Who Grieve That They Are “Strong”