10 Helpful Reminders to Get You Through Grief
Nothing that I ever say should be taken as the only way or even the right way. Every single person who reads this has a different story. It’s not easy, and I want you to understand to the extent that I can with my own person experience.
I like to write about grief because sometimes it’s just easier to shy away from the subject. I like to share my experience and things I wish people knew. To read more about grief, you can click here: Grief.
Whatever you are feeling today, it’s valid. Everything you feel while your brain is on autopilot from a hard experience, it’s all valid. At the beginning of my journey with grief, I felt alone a lot. So, I wanted to write this today on things I wish I could’ve told myself while going through it. But more than that, I wanted to write about things I still remind myself.
1. You Will Be Okay
I know – this can be the most annoying thing to hear. Especially when it comes from someone who you don’t think “gets it”. But as a person that gets it, I just wanted to be a living example that it does get better. In the beginning, it can come as a shock, even if you were maybe expecting it. And you might even be in denial, because it could take a while to let it sink in.
The first days can be a whirlwind, with funeral preparations, celebrations of life, and people all around. Once that goes away, it hits again. And maybe you push through for a while, almost like denial, but eventually it may hit you again. You might start wondering if you’re going to feel this sad forever. I promise you, it does get better. And you will be okay.
And if you need therapy, support groups, medication – that’s okay. Using your resources to get yourself in a good mental place to be able to process it is sometimes just what you might need. But if you just find compassion and patience within yourself, it might take time, but you will be okay.
2. It Will Hurt
If you’re here, you know this – you know the absolutely painful heartache that weighs on you from the second you wake up. You know the sinking feeling in your stomach when you remember they’re gone. You know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep because you can’t shut off your thoughts of them. And you know that moment when you wake up where you either cry immediately because it hits you all over again, or the sadness that comes after you have a peaceful few moments before you remember.
The heartache that comes with grief is no joke. And if you don’t feel that pain, nothing is wrong you. Sometimes it might hit later, and sometimes you can find peace with the situation easily. But, if you are a person that feels a lot, just know you’re not alone. I feel things very deeply, and this means that emotions can take a big toll on my mind and my body.
While it hurts, I have to remind myself that I’m grateful to have a heart that feels. And while that can be hard, my mom always says how it means I had something so worth missing. And I wouldn’t trade the hurt for the memories any time.
3. Feel It
When the feelings come, let them. Maybe it is their birthday, a favorite holiday, or the anniversary day. It could just be while driving and your mind wonders to them or even just a passing feeling in the middle of doing something you love. Unfortunately, we can’t control the timing of things. We can’t control when we might feel sad.
That can cause a lot of anxiety. Maybe you’re worried about being around other people when the feeling comes, or maybe you have things you have to do. Be patient with yourself. If you start feeling sad, just feel it. It’s not fun, but it does help you process. You can’t push off the feelings forever. And being sad doesn’t take away from your progress.
Personally, sometimes it was easier to have a go-to spot where I could feel my feelings. I would drive to a random park and just sit in my car and give myself that space to feel everything. I also had a friend who was always willing to let me just sit and feel. Sometimes we didn’t even talk, but just having the space to feel helped me so much. This was really helpful to me, but again, you do what’s best for you!
4. There Is No Timeline
It’s easy to see how other people grieve and think you’re either behind or maybe that you aren’t as sad as them anymore. Everyone is on their own timeline. Do not hold yourself to a strict schedule of when you should feel better. For some people it takes months and for some it could be years. Reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel is such a good reminder.
If you feel like you just simply cannot make progress in the sadness, please get yourself the help you need at that time. Like I mentioned earlier, this could be finding a therapist or support group. That doesn’t mean that the feelings will automatically go away, but it’s helpful to get out of your head about where you should be.
And even when it’s been a long time, you might still have days that feel hard. You’re human. Everyone’s lives are so unique and so different. Never feel like you have to be “over it” or that you can’t talk about it. For me, it’s been almost 8 years now. And I’m still processing certain aspects of my grief. This is good, because I get to continue learning how to live in the best way for me.
5. Move With It and Not Against It
I’ve said a lot of variations about this already. I say move with it, because you cannot control every feeling or emotion that passes through you. Sure, sometimes you can. And you can create space for hard feelings. But you have to work with your heart and your mind.
When you try to push away the grief or you distract from it too much, you only put off the inevitable. You end up being so full of emotions that eventually it will have to come out in some way. For some people, exercise can be helpful to simply release the feelings in a productive way. For example, walking has been such a blessing to me. While walking, my brain starts processing more easily and I find myself working through emotions more easily.
When I find myself distracting with things like alcohol or too many plans, I find myself getting overwhelmed when I am alone. When you feel the feelings, allow it. Don’t try to work against what you need. Give yourself the space to move with what you need at the time.
6. Set Boundaries and Expectations
This one is so hard but so good. And honestly, I’ve gotten so much better about it only recently. It was like I was trying to expect people to know exactly what I needed. When you have people who may not “understand”, it’s an unfair expectation to put on them to be exactly what you need. You are the only person who can know what you need.
Maybe you need a friend who will just sit with you. You might need a distraction some days or just a fun plan to get you out of your house. You might simply just need a break from talking about it. A lot of what I needed from other people was to just give me the space to talk about. Sometimes I just needed to talk about it wiithout wanting validation or “pity” – just to talk about memories with him.
Only you know what you want or what you need. So work through that with yourself and don’t be afraid to communicate it. If they truly love you, they will understand and respect it. My boundaries were telling people what wasn’t helpful or maybe what was hurtful to hear.
For example, I didn’t want them to tell me I was strong or that it “would get better”. If you know, you know. Don’t be afraid to communicate with the people around you instead of leaving people guessing. Most people appreciate knowing how to best be there for you.
7. It’s Okay to Have Good Days
This is one of the biggest things I had to come to terms with. I felt like once the grieving was over, then that was almost more final than the death. Like, how can I be living and having good days when that person isn’t here? But the good days become more frequent as time passes. And please, if you take away one thing – this doesn’t mean you stopped missing them or that you stopped loving them.
People may think you’re suddenly, or somehow, better. But deep down, you know that even when it gets easier to start living without them, you can still miss them just the same. Having good days is okay, and it’s what keeps us going.
Instead of beating myself up about it, I had to start being grateful for it. I find myself just appreciating the good days, because when you’re in the thick of it, they can be hard to come by. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel okay, because you never know what this crazy journey of grief will bring. Like I said above, just move with it and not against it. Fill up your cup on those days so that the harder days won’t drain you as much.
8. Don’t Compare Yourself to Anyone Else
There is no timeline, yes, but there is also no universal experience with grief. Grief is a personal experience that is unique to each and every person. Everyone has their own story, and everyone has their own emotional capacity, history, and life. Remind yourself this. That’s why I never want anything I say to be taken as fact – everything is simply my experience and taken from stories of other people who I have connected with now.
I think it is also easy to compare yourself to your other family members or the friends of this person. But how great is it to be sad together, to reminisce together, or to life each other up when the other person might not be able to? It is easy to make grief an isolated experience. As long as you don’t let comparison make it harder, it is also okay to lean on others who have experienced it too.
Even between me and my sister, our journies with grief looked drastically different. A lot of the times I even wondered why she wasn’t as sad when maybe I was. So while you shouldn’t compare your own sadness to others, you also shouldn’t compare if someone else isn’t as sad.
It’s good to remind yourself that we don’t see every aspect of a person’s mind, heart, or life. We can’t truly know how they are feeling at every moment. We don’t see every time they cry. And we don’t know every memory or story they have with the person they are grieving.
9. Write Down the Memories as They Come
As time passes, I wish I would have written more. A few years ago, I ended up writing an entire book about my journey with grief – grief of expectations, grief with relationships, and grief with my dad. It was so cathartic. I wrote down my entire story with my dad. I wrote down all the memories I can remember, and I wrote down everything I was feeling after he died.
It wasn’t easy by any means. It brought up a lot of emotions that sometimes I didn’t even know I was feeling. But I knew I didn’t want to lose any part of the experience or any part of him. If you’re a person who likes writing things down, this is something I wish I was reminded while going through it.
Random things, experiences, or thoughts will spark a memory with that person. Over time, some of those little things might start to fade. I used to get worried I would somehow forget everything about my dad. While that’s just not true, I love having a designated spot for my memories with him. It helps you process while also keeping their memory alive.
On anniversary days, I like to look at pictures or read about these memories. It helps me feel like I am connected to him again. Some people may not need this, but I think it’s a good exercise if you want to have a place to brain dump the thoughts, feelings, and memories.
10. Life Keeps Moving for Other People
I remember driving home from the hospital after my dad died. And of course, I ended up in standstill traffic during rush hour. I was crying, and I looked over at the people around me just living their normal lives driving home for work or going to get dinner. It was shocking in that moment, but I quickly found out that life keeps moving for other people.
In the days following the funeral, fewer and fewer people will check in. Their lives didn’t change like yours did. They don’t think about it the entire day, and they don’t feel their missing presence. Yours did. This isn’t a fun thing to hear, but it’s a good reminder if you’re feeling like no one cares anymore or they don’t realize how much your heart hurts.
This is why I emphasize communicating it. People may just not want to bring it up in case you’re not feeling like it, or they don’t want to upset you. They may simply just not think about it in every moment like you might. It is okay to communicate about it. It’s okay to talk about your feelings. It’s also SO important to remember that even though life keeps moving for them, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care or don’t remember.
Additional Posts:
To read more about how to help, click here: How to Help a Friend or Loved One Experiencing Grief.
To read more about my hot take about grief, click here: Stop Telling People Who Grieve That They Are Strong.
And to read more about keeping their memory alive, click here: 10 Simple Ways to Honor Your Loved One (or Yourself!) on Anniversary Days.
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